GlenEllynite
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quote: Originally posted by my2cents:
GEFan you are priceless and your posts and cyber friendships have grown tenfold...if you are a south sider also, I take back everything I've said about ya'!
Not a southsider. My interest in the southside however is the fact that my whole office is from the southside. And the fact that I like most everyone I've met from there. However, here is an e-mail I sent out to my office after my first southside experience in 1997. quote: allright [LAWFIRM] southsiders, in light of all the north/south side jokes at [LAWFIRM] lately, I decided to jump in the old car (not the new one or we'd stick out like a sore thumb) and check out the south side for myself.
My report follows:
What: South Side Voyage
Where: South Side of Chicago
Why: Why not, it should be good for a few laughs.
Attire: Khaki shorts, and a [LAW FIRM] collared golf shirt (Bad calll [GE FAN])
Participants: 3 white suburbanites dressed just like me (Really Bad Call {GE FAN])
Car: mid-1990'sVW Jetta (a little beat up)---a buddy drove. (not so bad, but my 1992 piece of shit Saab would have really fit in like a charm down south)
Adventure level: Moderate, I was tired and hungry.
After exiting I-55 at Harlem we headed due south into the south side. At first not so bad. Then things changed dramatically. My first observation:
for every business (mostly shitty fast food joints or hole-in-the wall bars) that was open, there were 3 that were closed. Not surpursinglly, competition for gyros, hot dogs, and french fries, (from what I've heard, those are the 3 of the 4 basic food groups on the south side, the 4th being Miller Lite) must be fierce. The best deal I saw was Billy's Hungry Man with a 2 for 1 special gyros for $3.95. As tempting as that was, we kept on driving. I had my suspicions on the quality of the gyro meat---Hawthorne and Sportsman's Park racetracks (horses) are only a few miles away and I have never really seen that proverbial "glue factory" where the horses that are shot go.
Lots of trucks down south. Intermodal stations are abundant.
Motels: rent them by the hour and they are at every corner. Mostly seedy joints. hmmm..truckers and motels, draw your own conclusions.
So then we decided to get a bite to eat. Went to A & J's country store on harlem just south of 63rd st. It has a covered wagon outside on a sign really high. We get there, 4 guys dressed in khaki shorts and collared shirts. There were 8 people in the joint. They all looked at us as if we had that weird skin diesase that Michael Jackson has. Not to mention that our jaws were at our knees. After the initial shock and hesitation wore off, we ordered a few beer. Just to show our true north sidedness, we drank Budweiser. Guess what, Sox game on TV. They heckled us for being north side cubs fans, but we all got along. They didn't even have to ask if we were Cub fans, our clothing and demeanor gave it all away. Little did they know that I was a Sox fan though.
Let's talk about the patrons at this joint. One guy, probably 45 or so was there with his MOM getting drunk. She was a piece of work. Pushing 2 bills herself, she was swearing and drinking righ along with her shady son and the other hillbillies in the bar. She must be so proud. He was totally out of control and really liked us. Bought us all shots later. Boy, I hope he didn't drive home. The bartender was the peacekeeper. She looked out for us. Then there was a dude there missing both front teeth who was drinking shots like Beefeater wasn't going to make another bottle of shitty gin ever again. I guessed that he lost the front teeth due to decay from gin, but just a guess. He had a sparse mustache to hide the lack of front teeth, though. That was a great look for him. Well, needless to say, he looked like he had been there since 10 a.m. when it opens and probably would be there until 4 a.m. when the place closed, and then he would wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. While we are on the subject of teeth, just let me tell you, # teeth per capita for the 8 south siders in the bar was hovering at 2.3, maybe 2.4 because one guy had dentures. Yes, I think one of us had more teeth than all of the other people in the bar combined. Scary.
So, we then go shoot some pool. There is this beer trough full of peanuts, by the pool table, so we help ourselves. I chow because whether or not this place has food, there is not way in hell that I would ever let my dog chow on food from this place, let alone me eat anything that came from a back room at this joint myself. I should also mention that they proudly serve "red baron" frozen pizzas at happy hour. They were proud of that. So, getting back to the peanuts. I eat quite a few to get my mind off the fact that there is a good chance that I may never see the light of day again and put the shells in an ashtray---no garbage cans anywhere in sight. My buddie puts them on the table next to him. Then the bartender comes by and takes our bottles and then yells "did you guys eat these peanuts?" So, I'm thinking this is just what our north side suburban asses need. The only person in the bar that likes us (just because we tipped her a lot) is pissed at us now. I'm thinking, I'll just pay for the damn nuts. So, ready for her wrath, I say "Yes, we did, maam." She said "shells on the floor, hear me, shells on the floor!!!" Everyone in the bar was laughing at us. We had a good time with it. Finished 2 games of pool and decided to cut our losses while we were still able to get out of there alive. Kindly thanked everyone and left. I bet they will be talking about us for months to come at that place.
Overall Impression of the South side; Nice down to earth people who like to drink too much and fight overdressed north suburbanites. I had a good time and would have liked to stay for the Kareoke, but I figured that the place would get more crowded and then we would be outnumbered and no match for the drunk, belligerent south siders. All in all, no shots fired, no puches thrown. I'd go back to the south side, just not to that place, so, [GE FAN FRIEND FROM EVERGREEN PARK], I'm ready to hit Western Ave. This was a warm-up to the real south side bars, not just the hole-in-the wall bars.
Signing off,
GE "the South Side Adventurer" FAN.
P.S. Please note the names and identities of the real participants in this story have been altered to protect them from future violence on subsequent trips to the south side. To all south siders: If I have described any of your relatives or friends, I deeply apologize and, beleive me, you have my deepesy sympathies. I'm truly sorry.
Well that was my experience. My office thought it was, well, not that funny. 
"Often Wrong, Never in Doubt"
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